Question The Two-Headed Man

Welcome to the detective mind(s) of the Two-Headed Man

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This Halloween The Tales Pensieve & Fingerprint! Publishing bring you a chance to get ALL of your problems solved by the infamous twins.  



 Presenting the protagonists of An.Al – The Origins – Andy and Alfie, 
who are here, in The Pensieve, all month long to help you with your problems.

Somebody messing about with your pillows when you are at work? Wondering which jeans has that ten rupee note? No problem is too big or too small for the two of them. Though try not to annoy them with your relationship problems.

And annoying and cocky as they maybe, they are also bringing gifts. Because they don’t understand the concept of holidays. And nobody gifted them anything when they were growing up.

All you have to do…

Read the rules. Post your problem in the form below. They will get answered here. In the meanwhile go get yourself a drink. The stronger the drink, the better. OR, read a book, the smuttier, the better, till you get a winner announcement eMail from us.

The Rules:

1. The contest will start on 28.10.2013 and run through 27.11.2013 till 11:45 p.m

2. The contest is open to all residents in India over the age of 18.

3. Only entries in English will be considered eligible for the contest.

4. The 3 most weird and interesting questions will receive a gift voucher, redeemable at, worth Rs. 500/- and a signed copy of An.Al – The origins from Fingerprint! Publishers.

5. The author of An.Al- The origins, Athul DeMarco will act as conduit between us and the twins, who will judge the best questions and their decision will be final and acceptable in full.

6. There is no limit on the questions asked by a participant but only one question per submission. You are allowed to ask as many questions as you wish. The more you ask, the better are your chances of winning.

7. Please do not eMail your question/s. Only submissions received through the form below will be eligible for the contest.

8. By submitting your question for the contest you hereby agree to all the above stated rules, that govern Question The Two-Headed Man contest.

9. You can also encourage others to participate by tweeting with the hashtag, #QTTHM

10. If you have any queries concerning the contest, do not hesitate to write to: Please use #QTHM in the subject line.

 athulThe Judges: Andrew Ayres, Alfred Ayres and Athul DeMarco

Athul DeMarco is a design researcher who is constantly on the move. When he is not travelling, he is seated, in his boxers, writing on his laptop or shouting at the television. He took a break from a cushy job and gave up on a company expense account in 2009. Bored and disillusioned with early morning flights, he remembered what somebody had once mentioned, ‘If you like travelling, writing, and meeting people, and are always trying to figure out what people are thinking, you either become a researcher or you start to live their lives . . .’ And so, he now spends his time writing stories instead of making PowerPoint presentations.

An.Al- The origins is his debut novel.

Ready? Go on…shoot your questions. Remember, NO relationship problems. INTERESTING. WEIRD. Make it Tough. Make it Terrific.


How can my prince charming never kill all the demons I see in my nightmare? - Nimue

Dear Nimue,

The twins, actually just Andrew wanted to thank you for your question. I think it is best if I just transcribe the response for you instead of making it sound like hearsay. 

Me: You guys got a question…

Alfie (almost done with his first drink of the day): And what question is that? Did you know that a mosquito has 47 teeth? 
Andy: <rolling eyes> 

Andy: What question? 

Me: I don’t know… Somebody called Nimue…

Alfie: What sort of a name is Nimue?

Andy: Think its another name for the woman who gives King Arthur his sword. 

Alfie: I thought that Arthur bloke took the sword out of the block of stone. 

Andy: Can you shut up for a minute! <faces me> And what is the lady of the lake’s problem? 

Alfie: I bet she doesn’t even have a problem… I bet she is the kind of woman who likes poetry and old bollywood songs.

Andy: You like old bollywood songs…

Alfie: I am just saying… 

Andy glares in annoyance as Alfie pours himself another drink. And I think Alfie’s cigarette lit up on its own. I am not sure. But Andy was really angry at this point of time.>

Alfie: Fine! Read the damn question. But make sure its a good one. 

Me:  is asking ” How can my prince charming never kill all the demons I see in my nightmare ?” 

Alfie cackles with laughter, Andy just stares at me blankly>

Alfie is still laughing…>

Alfie: You mean that is the actual question?

I nod my head> 

Andy: That is actually a good question. I think Freud said something about this. 

Alfie: Freud was an idiot. A fucking charlatan. I bet she just keeps dreaming up more and more demons just to see if Prince Charming can slay them or not. 

Andy: Don’t get started with Freud again.

Alfie: Fine then! You tell me why this charming prince of nowhere, who I bet can’t charm my pants off my finely toned bottom is such a pansy when it comes to slaying the demons? I think it is because he is more a pansy than a prince. 


Alfie grins and winks at me. I am not sure if this is the sort of reaction Alfie was expecting. It has been a slow day at 201 Swann Street>.

Andy: I think it has got to more with the fact that the Lady of Avalon doesn’t quite trust the capability of Prince Charming. 

Alfie: And what the fuck did I say? You just repeated what I just said. 

Andy: Athul! Did I or Did I not say that we won’t entertain spousal questions. 

Me: You did. 

Alfie: I think we should fire him. He is a proper chunt!

Andy: Who else do you suppose would be willing to work with all the bollockery you will subject them to? 

Me: So should I just say that Ms. Nimue’s problem has been deemed unworthy of your time. 

Andy: Don’t say that. You make us sound rude. Can you say it more nicely? 

Me: I suppose so…

I bet he is just going to transcribe the whole thing. We should fire him. He is a proper chunt! I am telling you. <turns to me> Where is the ice? <points to his drink>

Me: Sorry!

With great regret, I wish to inform you that the twins have declined to answer your query. But do keep us in mind when you have an interesting problem or puzzle. As you can tell, the twins are not easy to work with. They are toxic to one’s self esteem. But I do need this job. Would appreciate it if you could speak with your friends and see if they would have a problem which would require these twos’ assistance. Do keep in mind that owing to the lack of work, the twins, especially Alfie gets very snappy and snarky. Once again, my humble apologies.

Thanks and Regards,
Athul DeMarco

I died 2 hours ago and rigor mortis has set in. Where and how can I get a spare body? - Manish Mahajan

Alfie: That’s the question?

Andy: Yeah!

Alfie: Okay…

Andy: So what do you think?

Alfie: Well, it seems that somebody is looking to stage their own death. OR, make somebody disappear.

Andy: For good?

Alfie: Yes Andy! For good. Nobody talks like that if it isn’t fatal. And given that the body is turning into a stiff just after two hours instead of the more regular three to four, the cause of death would have been something which restricted oxygen.

Andy: So you think he is looking to kill himself or whoever by drowning or strangulating?

Alfie: Well, if he is a fan of the cliché. He could always find himself trapped inside a box, OR erotic asphyxiation. <Sniggers> But given his request to switch stiffs, I suppose he is looking at burning himself down, thereby hampering positive ID.

Andy: Does he really need a spare body?

Alfie: Hmmm… So you are saying…

Andy: I mean why does he need a spare body? He could as well kill himself in front of people and when the opportune moment presents itself, he can sneak out.

Alfie: He could, but that would require certain amount of planning. But look at the question…

Andy: Ah!

Alfie: Yes… “I have died two hours ago and rigor mortis has set in”. Which means that this wasn’t well planned.

Andy: So where does he get a spare body?

Alfie: He could go through the usual places, body farm, the morgue. But…

Andy: He risks the missing body being reported.

Alfie: Which leaves him just one choice…

Andy: Which is?

Alfie: The stoneman!

Andy: The fellow who killed street dwellers by turning their heads into mash with a massive stone.

Alfie: Yup! One spends considerably little amount of time planning something like that.

Andy: And whatever time is saved is used in taking precautionary measures from being found out.

<Alfie smiles as he lights up a cigarette>

Andy: Sometimes you scare me. <He looks worriedly at his brother.> I will call Athul and let him know.
I reiterate Lewis Carroll's question - why is a raven like a writing desk? - Salini Johnson
Alfie: Think you best answer this question.

Andy: What is the question?

Alfie: Why is a raven like a writing desk?

Andy: That’s from Alice in Wonderland isn’t it? When they are all seated around having a cup of tea and exchanging riddles?

Alfie: I guess. I never did like it. Thought it was all bit wonky. Like I said you best answer this.

Andy: Did you know that Lewis Lutwidge Carroll was an author, a mathematican, a logician, a photographer, he used paint nudes of little girls, and if I remember correctly he was also a priest.

Alfie: That makes so much sense doesn’t it?

Andy: What?

Alfie: Being a priest and painting naked girls. <sniggers>

Andy: Oh shut up you pervert! Those were different times. Anyway, the question doesn’t really have an answer. Its like one of those paradoxes about chicken or the egg or why did the chicken cross the road?

Alfie: I have question… why are most paradox writers obsessed with chickens? Also, single celled organism.

Andy: Huh? What?

Alfie: Single celled organism came before the chicken or the egg.

Andy: That’s not the point.

Alfie: So what is the point? Apart from you being a completely annoying div. And what if a raven does look like a writing desk? What about it?

Andy: Well that’s the point. It is supposedly how Carroll thought children viewed the adults and their world.

Alfie: Do you know what I think?

Andy: And what is that? *rolls his eyes. Knows very well that his brother is annoyed with him tom-toming about one of his favorite subjects. Victorian era literature.*

Alfie: I think the girl who asked this question is just winding us up. She clearly reads a lot. Probably studied in a government school in a small town for sometime. Likes to revisit some books because of the nostalgia it evokes in her. Fancies herself to be a romantic which means that she doesn’t like people being hypocrites but doesn’t have the gall to call them out. Is still finding her place in the big bad world but hasn’t found her footing yet, so likes to busy herself with “projects” <he underlines by using making air quotes.>

Andy: Isn’t that true for everybody?

Alfie: What is?

Andy: That people don’t like hypocrites but don’t really call them out on their behavior.

Alfie: Speak for yourself there brother.

Andy: But how do you know she reads a lot and likes to re-read books to evoke nostalgia?

Alfie: Read the way she has phrased the question. Isn’t it evident? She likes to show that she is well read by quoting the author rather than the character. And she said ‘reiterate’ rather than simply saying wrote or said.

Andy: That’s bit harsh don’t you think?

Alfie: Whatever… You are beginning to give me a headache…

Andy: Did you know that Lewis Carroll also suffered from migraines…

Alfie: Oh for fuck sake Andy! Pass me my lighter…

Andy: I will just tell Athul to you know do what he does… Hopefully he doesn’t make you sound as rude as you are.

Alfie: <glares at Andy before flipping him the bird with the lit cigarette held between his fingers.>

How can I get the number of the girl I saw in my wet dream last night? - Chirag Agarwal

Athul: <sniggers aloud>

Andy: Another question?

Athul: Yes. But I am not sure I should ask this given Alfie’s mood off late.

Andy:  We are planning on going to Dom’s after this, so this is probably the best time you should ask him whatever you have to ask.

Alfie: <Folds the newspaper and looks expectantly at the two of them>

Athul: So Chirag Agarwal asks, “How can he get the number of a girl I saw in a wet dream last night”

Alfie: For starters, tell him to avoid using fountain pens. The ink runs off.

Andy: I don’t quite think that’s what he means by “wet”

Alfie: Well what exactly does he mean then?

Andy: Think he means more Harold Robbins and less weather report.

Alfie: <Ponders>

Andy: Freud does mention that having a wet dream is…

Alfie: Oh! Don’t get started with Freud again. And, Athul… I think if this bloke has been having a wet dream, then clearly you can tell that one, he should check his pockets for the girl’s number, or ask his friends about who she was and where she lives and what she does. You know usual things what a sexual predator does. Given that he is anxious to get the girl’s number, she did a number on him and he would be keen to show off to his friends about this girl. So, he should start with his friends. Especially his female friends. I read in last year’s April issue of Cosmopolitan that women have the strongest and fastest news traveling network known to man.
Andy: <looks on incredulously at his brother> Are you still reading Cosmopolitan?

Alfie: What? What else am I supposed to read while you re-read the life and times of Lady Ottoline Morrell.

Andy: She was a fascinating woman.

Alfie: That she was. But I don’t understand why you have to keep re-reading the same old thing all over again. Anyway, I know that you cancelled our subscription to women’s mags.

Athul: Er… So what should I reply?

Alfie: Tell him to get away from that new fangled contraption called computer and speak with his friends. Especially friends who are women. They should be able to help him out. <looks at Andy to see if he has to say anything>

Andy: Yeah! And to read about Lady Ottoline Morrell.

Alfie: Before we head over to Dom’s and while you type all of this down. Can I ask you a question?

Athul: Yeah… Sure… I guess.

Alfie: Don’t people have missing pets, friends, family? Don’t people fear for their lives and their belongings?

Andy: I think what he means to ask is, don’t people have real problems instead of making him turn into an agony aunt or a sexologist.

Alfie: Yeah! I am very close to turning myself over to the dark side.

Andy: I hope not. I don’t want to be bummed about in prison.

Athul: Okay… I am not sure what I can do about this though…

Alfie: Anyway, we are heading over to Dom’s to get plastered. It is Friday after all. Come join us after you are done with work.

Why do people love to hate? Explanation with examples is appreciated. - Salini Johnson

Alfie: Your turn.

Andy: Why is it my turn?

Alfie: Because I answered the last question. Which makes it your turn.

Andy: You are just avoiding answering this because it requires you to treat people are people and not as puzzles.

Alfie: Well if you have done psycho-analyzing me, go on, don your teacher’s hate and answer the damn question and let me drink in piece.

Athul: I can come back if you like.

Alfie: Oh! Don’t be stupid. Come let us have a drink and have a laugh at Andy’s expense. Just wait and watch…

Andy: Can you stop being a prissy prick for a moment… I am trying to think here…

Alfie: Well what’s there to think? All the poor girl wants to know is why do people love to hate. You can tell her about how the human mind, despite its uniquely spectacular capabilities can translate and analyse human relations in two dimensions. You can start by telling her that nature, as a form of evolution ensured that each person looked at their own interests over others, else the small limbed Tyrannosaurus Rex would tear their heads off their shoulders.

Andy: You do know that the T-Rex and homo sapiens didn’t exist in the same era.

Alfie: Yeah! I know… I was just giving an example like she asked for.

Andy: I thought it was my turn to answer.

Alfie: Well it is. But you are taking such an awful time to answer the damn question. Athul and my beers are sweating. Look! <points to the drops of condensed water slipping down the beer mug. Swipes and flicks it towards his brother>

Andy: How mature of you? What are you? Six years old?

Alfie: I quite like being six years old. That way, I get away by pulling your hair <pulls Andy’s hair> and say I am sorry.

<Andy pokes Alfie sharply in his ribs>

Alfie: <grumbles and rubs his side furiously> Well? Go on… Answer the damn question…

Andy: Well, if you kept quite for one fucking moment I will.

Alfie: Mrs. Moss wouldn’t be happy listening to you speak this way. Anyway, you can tell her that human relations are based on the ebb and flow of the perceptive id. And because of that, there is always cause of imbalance in nature. Especially human nature, like the ying and yang, needs to balance itself.

Andy: Who said this? Socrates?

Alfie: I don’t remember names. I read it in one of your pseudo intellectual books you were reading while you pretending to be a camp Athenian.

Andy: Athenians are also responsible for all that you deem as being taken for granted. Democracy, arts and sciences for starters.

Alfie: You really think I give a shit about those things. Sure they are great and the Greeks were good but abysmally stupid as well. Anyway, coming back to the question, which you still haven’t answered… Can you imagine a world where there is no hatred or other so called negative emotions?

Andy: For starters, you would have jumped out of the window if that was the case. But, I see what you are saying. I wouldn’t know how to react when I read Albert Camus. There would be no evolution because there would be no natural evolution of things. There would be no great scientific breakthroughs. We wouldn’t have wanted to know why we are here. There would be no sciences, no arts. We would have been vegetative beings.

Alfie: Yeah! Who was that annoying self appointed English Prick of London?

Andy: Eric Arthur Blair?

Athul: Who?

Andy: Sorry… You would know him by his pen name, George Orwell.

Athul: Ah! <Falls silent again and takes a sip off his now almost empty pint of lager>

Alfie: Yeah! Wasn’t he the one who wrote that blithe pile of rubbish about authoritarian government?

Andy: Yes and it wasn’t rubbish. It was spectacularly brilliant for him to have envisioned and written that masterpiece.

Alfie: Whatever, the point is that hate as an emotion is as much needed and necessary as something sentimental as love. And I am still awaiting your answer. It is still your turn.

Andy: What was the question again?

Athul: Why do people love to hate?

Andy: Well, all she is asking is why people love to hate?

Alfie: And just what the blithering fuck do you think I have been trying to tell you all this while?

Andy: I don’t know.

Alfie: Is that your answer to the question?

Andy: I guess.

Athul: Er… so what should I say?

Alfie: I think you should ask of this fine young woman to list all things she absolutely detests in this world. Underline the word detests. And imagine a world without all of those things. Tell her that her first response would be that she would be lot happier in such a world. There would be no ex-boyfriend, no Electra or Oedipal complexes to complicate her small world. But post this, ask to evaluate herself as a person. Tell her that she would be poorer as a person without hate. Tell her the only reason people love to hate is because it allows them to grow as a person. For better or for worse and it is important for the evolution of mankind. Without hate, there would be no fear and without that, we wouldn’t have sent man to the moon.

Andy: That is just so spiteful.

Athul: Er… So… I shouldn’t say all that?

Andy: No. I think, you should just say, we don’t know.

Alfie: But that is NOT what I said.

Andy: Fine! Fine! Just say I don’t know.

Alfie: That means, you are going to be answering the next hundred questions. Also, why can’t people ask interesting questions?

Athul: I don’t know. I will go type this out and mail it over.

Alfie: And then you are going to come back and drink with me. Because I sure can’t deal with this sourpuss. <points to his brother>

Andy: Yes! I am the sourpuss <sarcasm drips out of the corner of his mouth>

Why is Tim Minchin as funny as a fart? - Salini Johnson

Alfie: Its your turn.

Andy: I know. But what is the damn question?

Athul: Why is Tim Minchin as funny as a fart?

Andy: Are farts supposed to be funny?

Alfie: I don’t know about you but farts are funny.

Andy: But who is Tim Minchin?

Alfie: Why you looking at me?

Athul: He is supposed to be a musician. Think he recently appeared on an episode of QI.

Andy: What is QI?

Athul: QI stands for Quite Interesting…

Alfie: Oh yeah! Stephen Fry, Alan Davies…

Athul: Yes…

Andy: When did you watch this QI? And what was I doing?

Alfie: I don’t know. I think you were on the phone with Eugene.

Andy: Okay… And is he funny?

Athul: I don’t know… He was alright I guess.

Alfie: Yeah! Alan Davies and Stephen were as always howlarious.

Andy: So he wasn’t funny as a fart?

Alfie: Well, farts are more funny than that fellow…

Athul: Tim Minchin

Alfie: Well, his name is funny

Andy: Oi! You know the rule…

Alfie: Yeah! Fine! Alright…

Athul: What rule?

Andy: He is not supposed to make fun of how people look and he is not supposed to make fun of how their name sounds.

Athul: Ah! Okay… <sips on his second pint of the day>, so what should I reply with?

Andy: Tell her Tim Minchin is as funny as a fart because Methane is combustible.

Alfie: <snortles and chokes on his beer> Good one!

Athul: I didn’t get it…

Andy: Doesn’t matter.

Alfie: <still laughing raucously> Because methane… <snorts> is combustible.

Nobody enters the cabin I work in besides 3 other colleagues. Before Lunch, I used my hand sanitizer, post lunch I can't seem to find it anywhere! Who could have stolen it? - Sitara

Andy: I know its my turn to answer the next ninety nine questions. But, I think you will quite like answering this question. <Returns the piece of paper back to Athul>

Alfie: What’s the question? <he asks as he wipes away his beer-stache with his sleeve>

Athul: So Sitara works in an office which shares with three others. She used her hand sanitizer before lunch and now she can’t find it.

Alfie: Finally!

Andy: Somebody should just take a picture of your face when you are happy with things. Rarer than a Hailey’s comet.

<The three of them smile. Alfie more than the others>

Andy: Do you still want to me answer the question?

Alfie:  Yes. But before that, I want you to gauge a guess as to what sort of a person she is.

Andy: Okay! Given the fact that she uses a hand sanitizer, means that she is spending extra money and attention on her health and hygiene, which either means that she works on the ground floor of her office building where a LOT of people come and go, thereby expounding the chances of her catching something from others OR she climbs stairs instead of taking an elevator.

Alfie: Good. Anything else?

Andy: She shares the cabin with three others. Which means that they follow a strict lunch hour rule.

Alfie: You did fabulously well. Leaving out everything of importance.

Andy: Fine! Go on then…

Alfie: She uses a hand sanitizer which is now missing. Which means that it was filled and relatively new. And like you pointed out, she is conscious of her health and hygiene. Which means that either she is looking forward to a big day, looking to impress somebody OR has moved to a new office where she is unsure of things. Because she refers to her co-workers as colleagues and doesn’t mention their gender. I am venturing out here and guessing that both men and women work. With more women than men. It is well known that women working in a women dominated work space are lot more paranoid than otherwise. Especially how she quickly jumped on to the conclusion that somebody stole it.

Andy: And you know about female and male work space dynamics how? Let me guess. You read this in Cosmopolitan?

Alfie: No actually. I read that in ‘Letters to the Penthouse XVII’.

Andy: How does that any of that help in answering who stole the hand sanitizer?

Alfie: It does. The needle of suspicion lands on two personality profiles. One of a man, who probably believes that his past doesn’t quite play a factor in him having a chance with this woman. OR, it is a woman who is both enamored and jealous of this woman. And given her jealously, this other woman would be in comparison younger than… What’s her name?

Athul: Sitara

Alfie: Yeah her… But…

Athul: But?

Andy: He doesn’t know if her co-workers are envious, which means that they wouldn’t care about the hand sanitizer and just plain use it and then throw it away after it gets over. OR…

Alfie: Or, if somebody is choosing to use this as a souvenir.

Athul: Er… So? I should say…

Alfie: That she should be wary of women who are envious of her or men who are slightly more than just plain affectionate in a work environment.

Do Alfie and Andy think too much or too little? What would you guys recommend for people aspiring for your level of wisdom? :) - Salini Johnson

Alfie: Your turn

Andy: I know

Alfie: No! I mean its really your turn.

Andy: Yeah! I know.

Athul: Should I tell you what the question

Alfie: Yes please! Because its Andy’s turn to answer the question. I have answered enough stupid questions for the day.

Andy: What is the question?

Athul: Do Alfie and Andy think too much or too little? What would you recommend for people aspiring for your level of wisdom? And then there is a emoticon for a smiley face.

Alfie: I hate when people do that.

Andy: Do what?

Alfie: Append emoticons when they want to be mean but want to come across as being good sports.

Andy: But, the question doesn’t sound like it was meant for either of us. Sounds more like a question for Athul.

Alfie: Fine by me! I am not answering any more stupid questions.

Athul: Okay… Though I would appreciate some help.

Andy: Really? You are asking us for help? Alfie here is drunk as a gazelle in heat…

Alfie: Sure you can ask us for help… Andy here is stone cold sober… He is more sober than the pope on his carnation day.

Athul: So… What should I say?

Andy: First of all…

Alfie: You should tell this Salini… Or whatever her name is that our name is Alfred and Andrew. We haven’ met her. She is not our client. We haven’t sat down and had a drink with her for her to enforce such familiarity with us.

Andy: Why are you answering the question? It is my turn AND and it is Athul’s question to answer.

Athul: So, I will just write what I deem fit?

Andy: Yes.

Alfie: But make sure that you tell this woman that I do not appreciate being alled Alfie by some random stranger. That is just wrong. And tell that insolent woman that we think just right. Like sugar in my morning coffee. Too much and it makes me want to throw up and too little and Andy’s mood is fucked for the rest of the day.

Athul: Oh-kay…

Dear Salini,

Thank you for your question. The twins were delighted at having received your question. Unfortunately, they were busy with some prior engagement and thereby left me to answer your query. Let me answer it part by part, since your question seems to be a two-parter.

The answer to your first question, “Do Andy and Alfie think too much or think too little?” is that Andy and Alfie are two different people with striking different personalities. Both complementary of each other. I am not an expert to know what is considered to be the right amount of thinking. And I am assured by the twins that they think just the right amount. Though you are always welcome to refute any of their statements arrived after being subject to a lot of inductive reasoning.

In response to the second part of your question, “What would you recommend for people aspiring for your level of wisdom?”. I can safely say that Alfie spends a LOT, (there is a reason why I am typing this in caps and that is to underline it) being drunk, watching QI, reading anything he gets his hands on whilst being supremely drunk. Andy is the way he is because, he is massively interested in the classical study of literature, music and other classical things. And I am embarrassed that you would club me along with these two. I think I am the way that I am because I spend a lot of time just holding on to my hair line while I spend time with these two. Hope this answers your query to the best of your satisfaction.

Thanks and Regards,
Athul DeMarco

Did the student or the teacher come first? - Salini Johnson

Andy: Yes! Yes! I know! It is my turn.

Alfie: I didn’t say anything…

Andy: I know… But you were going to… Athul… What is the damn question?

Athul: Did the student or the teacher come first?

Alfie: It’s okay… I will answer this one… You take the next one.

Andy: Remember this, I am not going to answer another twenty questions just because you volunteered to answer this

Alfie: Yeah alright!

Athul: So what should I reply the answer is?

Alfie: The answer to who came first is… Who went down on who first? If the student went down on the teacher first then the teacher came first. And vice versa.

Andy: That is just vile and perverted.

Alfie: Oi! Tell that to Mills & Boons. And I saw that copy of yours hidden underneath your side of the bed. You think I was sleeping while you read that shit?

Andy: Whatever! I am not answering the next question.

Alfie: And why the fuck not?

Andy: Because you went through my stuff. I want some privacy you know…

Alfie: We are fucking conjoined twins for fuck sake! You can’t have privacy if you wished and some magical fucking genie came down and gave it to you.

Athul: I will just go and reply to this mail in the mean time…

Hi Andy & Alfie, please tell me what are the most and least painful ways to die (No, I'm not suicidal. Just curious) And which hurts more - hurt by a knife or shot by a bullet? - Salini Johnson

Andy: I know its my turn to answer the question, but I really think that you should answer this one.

Alfie: Just why the fuck should I answer it? Give me one good reason.

Andy: Because this Salini woman wants to know which is the most and least painful ways to die.

Alfie: She is crazy eyed isn’t she?

Andy: Well she does say that she is not suicidal. Just curious.

Alfie: And I am fucking Earl of Canterbury.

Andy: So? Are you going to answer this or should I?

Alfie: Well, you wouldn’t know shit about these things. Given how squeamish you get around blood.

Andy: Which is why I said, you should answer this question.

Alfie: Fine! Athul…

Athul: Yeah…

Alfie: You writing this down? Because you know… I am… Drunk and I can’t quite repeat myself if you are not writing it down fast and properly…

Athul: Yeah! I am ready whenever you are…

Alfie: The most painful way to die is to swallow a bottle of sulphuric acid. The least painful way is to dunk your hand in a mug full of cyanide. Whether or not you are stabbing or shooting yourself OR somebody else is, it is definitely less painful if you are getting shot in the fleshy part of a body than a stab. The knife cut sort of burns against your skin. Lot more than a bullet wound. You should ask Manny about all this. Poor bloke suffered a lot more.

What are the chances of me getting a ticket to Mars? - Atira

Andy: I will answer this one.

Alfie: You have to… It is your turn after all.

Andy: Which is what I said…

Alfie: Bastard! I know it is one of those easy ones… OR you have a smart arsed answer lined up.

Andy: Well, the question is ‘What are the chances of Atira getting a ticket to mars’

Alfie: Don’t tell me you were going to say that she would have to do something really horrible to get sent to Mars on good tax payers money.

Andy: No! I wasn’t going to say that.

Alfie: Okay… So what were you going to say then?

Andy: I don’t remember now!

Alfie: Have I told you how predictably annoying you are?

Andy: That is not what I was going to say…

Alfie: Well, what were you going to say then?

Andy: Well it had something to do with humans being next in line after Sheep, duck, cats, dogs, goldfish and monkeys. Humans were next in line. And if she worked hard she could get to go to space and maybe even to Mars.

Alfie: Not bad… Not bad at all… You just named about almost ALL animal species who have ever been sent outside the stratosphere. You missed rooster, fruit flies, hamster, mice and guinea pigs.

Andy: Fruit flies? Really? They sent fruit flies to outer space?

Alfie: Americans…

Andy: Figured as much

Cuddles, Giggles, Toothy and Lumpy go to the park where they go on the merry-go-round. Lumpy starts pushing and slowly increases the pace. On and on they went and suddenly.... What happened next? Bonus points for telling me the moral of the story! - Salini Johnson

Dear Salini,

Athul here. I know you wished for Andrew and Alfred to answer your question but unfortunately Andrew has retired for the night. I am giving Alfred company while he continues to inordinate amounts of alcohol down his gullet.

Alfie: Let me guess…

Athul: …

Alfie: You are apologizing on my behalf and letting this woman know that Andy is asleep.

Athul: Yes. I thought it would be nice to let her know that it is late in the night.

Alfie: Whatever! I don’t have time for stupid shit… Read the damn question out…

Athul: So, Cuddles, Giggles, Toothy and Lumpy go to the park where they go on the merry-go-round. Lump starts pushing and slowly increases the pace. On and on they went and suddenly… What happened next? And she is awarding bonus points for telling the moral of the story.

Alfie: What? What is wrong with this woman? I thought we were answering serious questions.

Athul: I know. But that is the question. I was hoping that we could do this when Andy was awake.

Alfie: You do know that we take this detective business very seriously right?

Athul: Yes sir, I am very well aware.

Alfie: Then why the fuck in all that you consider holy and good are you asking me asinine questions at such a late hour.

Athul: …

Alfie: I am sor… sorry… I should haven’t said asinine… its well past 2100hrs. And I am not allowed to utter big words post that. Oi! Andy! Wake up… Athul is being bit of a dick…

<Andy grunts and turns his head away>

Alfie: And I am guessing you are going to need an answer to this insanely ridonkulous question.

Athul: Yes… But, what does ridonkulous mean?

Alfie: When a donkey asks a really ridiculous question, it is referred to as being ridonkulous.

Athul: Okay… Should I repeat the question?

Alfie: NO! I know what the question was… Something about cuddly and giggles and lumpy and other assorted bollocks…

Athul: Yes.

Alfie: Well, what happens next in the story which takes place inside this crazed woman’s head is lumpy went round and round. Got dizzy and fell out of the merry-go-round because he was fat and his centre of gravity couldn’t adjust in time with that of the centrifugal force of the merry-go-round. Toothy laughed, because that’s what toothy people do. They smile. Like a LOT. Which makes them prone to getting punched in the face. And Giggles was just sitting pretty in her frock. Because only little girls giggle and cuddly…

Athul: Cuddles…

Alfie: Do you really think I give a shit about what these made up fairy tale characters are called?

Athul: Sorry…

Alfie: It’s alright… Cuddles, stuck his foot out. Stopped the merry-go-round and dry humped the living day lights out of lumpy. Because he was fat and he wanted some sympathy sex and cuddles was camp and queer.

Athul: Ohhhkay… I think I will just wait for Andy to wake up and ask this question in the morning.

Alfie: NO! You fucking are not going to ask me any more questions. Tomorrow is Saturday and I wish that you would stop asking us really stupid questions. We are detectives for fuck sake! We are supposed to solve impossible mysteries. Oh! How I miss dealing with crazed lunatics. Because honestly this is sucking the very soul.

Athul: … Sorry…

Alfie: Never mind… What was the other question?

Athul: No I really think that we should do this after Andy wakes up. After all it is is his turn to answer the question.

Alfie: You are very close to getting fired from being our biographer. So, if you still want to keep your job, you better read the question out aloud. Again.

Athul: Cuddles, Giggles, Toothy and Lumpy go to the park where they go on the merry-go-round. Lump starts pushing and slowly increases the pace. On and on they went and suddenly… What happened next? Bonus points for telling the moral of the story!

Alfie: Moral of the story?

Athul: Yes.

Alfie: Moral of the story is don’t do drugs. Also, be wary of toothy people because they incite to violence.

What if God was one of us,
Just a slob like one of us,
Just a stranger on the bus,
Trying to make his way back home? - Salini Johnson

Andy: I am sorry to say that this is not a hypothetical question. He is one of us.  Reckon most of us know him by the name of Rajnikanth. He was the conductor on the bus in question. His secret identity was soon revealed.

If I were invisible and looked at the mirror, and if I was unable to see myself, have I become a vampire or a chameleon? If I have become a vampire, then could I decimate the human population being the silent killer? Then if I did become the king of the world, who would be my subjects? - Salini Johnson

Andy: I know it is my turn. But before I answer your many parted question, I suppose you ought to answer my brother, Alfie’s question. Who I am led to believe does not wish to answer any more questions. His question is, “Has she read An.Al – The Origins? The book which our biographer Athul wrote.”. He believes that you haven’t and I disagree with him. Anyway, coming back to your question. You did the smart thing by looking into the mirror to gauge if you had infact become invisible or not. You wouldn’t want to be the emperor without his clothes. Though, I am afraid to say that you would be neither a vampire nor a chameleon. But just experimenting with the cutting edge refractive index coated fabric. Lot like Harry Potter and his cloak of invisibility. You are still unfortunately, very much human. Though if you really had to press me for an answer for your latter half of the question, then it is mathematically impossible for any one person to decimate the entire human population. The odds are simply put staggering. Calling it a fools errand on an infinite timeline hardly begins to scratch the surface of who inconsequential your efforts would be. That is we are assuming that population growth equation stays the same. But, I do wish you the best of luck on your endeavour.

If I bend down and looked back through the gap between my legs, am I or is the world which is upside down?  - Salini Johnson

Andy: If I may interest you in this documentary about one’s perceptions. I can’t recall the of the said project and my brother is being rather childish about having answer questions which are philosophical in nature rather than the gruesome crime of human nature which he is so attracted to. But, the point of the documentary was that it takes about more or less 48 hours for the human mind to recalibrate itself and begin to perform normally. So the question is not really who is upside down but how long are you subjecting yourself to the said perspective.

If we have breakfast during lunch, it is called brunch.
 What if we have breakfast during dinner? - Ujwal Adiga

Its called being awesome!

If you try to fail and succeed, what have you done? - Ujwal Adiga

You are probably the Indian rupee. So sayeth the poet 50 cent.

All my friends are mad about cricket, football, F1, Tennis, Olympics and Sachin in particular. I am not. How do I fit in with such people? - Hitesh

Have you tried getting them lie down and then squeeze yourself in? It is massively important that they are lying down. There are other ways you could fit in with such people. You could all take the local in peak hours and find yourself seamlessly fitting in between these people. I think you are having problems fitting in with these people because you are doing them in wrong places. Like coffee shops, bars and pubs.

I get nervous and am at loss of words when I talk to a beautiful girl/woman face-to-face when I have met them for first time. How do I feel confident and talk properly without being at loss of words. How to deal with this? - Hitesh

Think this question is more suited to be answered by a speech therapist or a pick up artist rather than two detectives and their scribe.

If flies lose their wings, will they be called walks?- Sacrosanct Lie

If butter loses all of its fat, would it then be a called an anorexic arseless chump? Reckon the answer is no. It would be called something else but not what we imagine it would be called.

Why do we have to scratch our heads just to read a good book?- Sakshi Agarwal

Scratching has shown to improve blood circulation. Anything which makes one scratch their heads and not their groins is a good thing.

Can you answer a "Null" Question?- Sakshi Agarwal

The answer is void in lieu of your question.

How did Tarzan never have a beard?- Sitara

He had Jane. And as a woman you ought to know how much value women place on a man’s hygiene.

If Alfie loves rock n roll, would Andy put another dime in the jukebox?- Sitara

Think he will be Bach to answer that question.

If she sells sea shells on the sea shore, then what does she sell on the train?- Sitara

Her soul.

A penguin walks through the door wearing a saree, it holds up a gun and says it wants to play with the both of you. What would you guys do?- Sitara

Smile and wave.

Why is 666 the number of the beast?- Sitara

Cos triple eunuch attack is just something you don’t want to be caught in the midst of when you traveling via train

Why do people go on WAR, can't people just read books or eat or what ever they do for fun instead ? - Shree Janani

War is communal fun and the graphics are amazingly accurate.

Why do people consume Alcohol? Why not Pumpkin Juice? - Shree Janani

Because then there would be nothing hollow during Halloween.

Why doesn't Voldemort have a nose?- Heema Shirvaikar

Himesh Reshimya and Voldemort had a fight. The rest of the answer writes itself.

How do I survive a zombie apocalypse? - Heema Shirvaikar

By taking your vitamins on time and being supremely drunk when shit goes down. Oh! Don’t forget to aim for the head. And less talking and more killing.

Who took a bite of the apple in the Apple logo?- Heema Shirvaikar

Steve. Then he felt guilty, got cancer and died.

If the Easter Bunny has eggs, why is it a bunny and not a chicken? - Heema Shirvaikar

Its a magic trick. Easter bunny provided the distraction for Jesus to crawl out of the grave. Easter eggs also finds its etymological roots in Jesus actually being alive when everybody thought he was dead.

How will Edward Scissorhands play rock or paper in a game of rock, paper, scissors? - Heema Shirvaikar

The question is not how but why. And the answer is no. He loves somebody else. He is sorry.

How do I tell you twins apart? - Shree Janani

The smart arsed, curly haired is Alfie. And the baby faced clean shaven milk drinking fellow is Andy.